Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
