A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
