the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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