Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
