i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
