I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
