I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
