Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
pop tarts are not kleenex
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Come on in and take your pants off
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