She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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