so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
