I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
