I just pynch a tree in the face
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
