when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
