somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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