I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
