Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
