i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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