I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
