at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Randomize
