In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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