dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
