How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Also, beer. Big fan.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
