My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She bit a glass in half.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
