so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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