Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
