The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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