i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
