i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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