I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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