morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
