the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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