White coat. Heels.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
i've created a new STD.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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