first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
