i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
