you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
last night I used snow as a chaser
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
