dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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