dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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