5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
