You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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