I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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