I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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