Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
