farters have to be the big spoon...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
