The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
