I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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