Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
