I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
