he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
