ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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