I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Every concussion has its silver lining
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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